| A Dream |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|03:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | same as always | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Screaming Trees - Watchpocket Blues | ] |
Fromt eh bits and pieces, I gather this:
The bathroom in my basement's position is replaced by the inside of my car, and it is raining. Toward the nd of the dream I can remember there being a girl in th ebackseat, who I did not know, and another presumably *unnamed*'s ****. No animosity. I recall having to return and go back in forth in my car and to it. David among other township football players are seen. David is putting up township billboards around. At my college (not wagner in the dream) An upperclassman pair appear, and one sits next to me, and starts doing like, little endurance, pain resistenace tests. Something like needles in the back, but it was just something you do with your fingers, but the scale had images of like long lines with what looked to be additions for the higher "difficulties." I did well enough, not great but good enough. A mansion is involved, resembling a combination of my house and matt's (whose made a sort of cameo in last night's dream). In the end I remember returning to a big stadium type complex, sponsored by ford, and it is raining. Everyone gets 25 cent sodas, and I forget to. I run back out to get one. Lemon and lime appeals to me, but I go for regular lemon, not knowing if it will be soda or lemonade, but hoping it is soda. It comes out. It is minute maid pink lemonade. I remember thinking that this must not be cost effective and it was weird, I go inside again, and in the center of the atrium is a large stair case leading down into darkness (the whole atmosphere is dark and stormy even inside). This is presumably my desitination. *end*
Sub dream or lucid or somethng: I felt Like i was telepathically speakin to someone, and they said something about not wanting the formalities involved, to which I replied me too. Or my unconscious is playing tricks on me. Do we want the same? A painful question... maybe. |
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| The battle still rages |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|08:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Bluesy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bob Marley | ] |
Against my emotions. It's so up and down, and the only way to control this is by being reasonable and patient... and setting requirements for my feelings to be justified. Without others it seems my feelings are invalidated or, unless others condone or support my feelings, I push them away because they're painful and disgraceful (in my mind).
Dedication could just be the easy way out, or is it only superficial dedication, or dedication to something other than the object that the dedication is claimed to be to? In my need for others I give my time and money freely, and my words too, not that they are worth much. I put my heart and hopes out into the fray, but I still feel like I'm holding something back... not just in romantic relationships either, but from even my closest friends, whom are not as close as they could be.
I've never fully opened up to anyone.. I always keep a distance, or throw myself into things too forcefully and get rejected anyway. What is the weakness that causes this? I may ask the question, but I have no intention of making any effort to answer it.
I feel like a child who has, and this is part of why I'm so hesitant, lost it's mother, it's comfort and sanctuary. Here is the main conflict: Should I search for a replacement source of comfort and love, or should I be strong and stand on my own, you know, be a man. It's growing up. I probably will be incapable of finding a replacement until I decide not to seek one.
My emotions can overtake me sometimes and I lose sight of the best course of action. Maybe I'm more goal oriented than I realized.. perhaps too goal oriented, to the point where I won't let myself move on until I complete some objective.
I'm afraid that people will be like me in relationships. When things start to get bad (or I percieve them to be bad, whether they are or not) I just want to get out as quickly as possible. THe motivation for this is most likely that I don't want to feel the painful emotions so I lie to myself and make thigns out to be worse than they are so I have an excuse to get away.
God! I feel like I have to censor or hide my feelings, like I can't just pour all this onto people. Would I want to hear it? If I were in the mood. Regardless, others aren't me anyway. That could go either way then. Some people may want to hear it while others won't. I guess that's what they call picking friends. Who will listen to you and still be your friend no matter what they hear.
Reggae soothes my soul. |
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| Means of Expression |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|01:06 am] |
My Tool rockout sessions are starting to become a habit. It's addicting. My energies are tapped for the duration of it. As if a key unlocked the door to the vault of my mind's treasures. It is much like a trance... like my consciousness is free for a few moments. A tap into the divine. It seems to me that this is a window into the somewhat hidden part of our existence, the place beyond consciousness... good and evil. It shows perhaps a glimpse into the unkowable and unspeakable (I can't even call it a thing, it seems beyond words.. though "it" somehow fits..language seems very important to our Weltschau.) beyond earthly existence. That's enough for now. |
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| Destrudo |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|12:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Destructive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tool - Vicarious | ] |
So, why can't we just admit it? Violence is everywhere, we love it. We love killing each other and other living things. Mankind has an inner desire for destruction in all its orgiastic pleasure. People try to deny it, and a perfect example is the Christian religion. Good ol' Christian values can pretty much be boiled down to "Don't be human. Being human is the most heinous crime one can ever commit." As if we had the power to not be what we are. All it succeeds in doing is professing a life of self and universal denial. Is our history not bloody enough to attest to this? We love death and violence. War is an intrinsic part of human culture and as such, shouldn't be denied. My only gripe is that we return to the old days when killing was more personal and where you actually were face to face with the man you are killing, unlike nowadays with guns and nukes.
Whether one may want to accept it or not this is the truth, painful though it may be to some, as reality usually is. One need only take a step back and look at things to notice this. If only people payed attention. |
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| Contradiction |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|10:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Reverent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink Floyd - Us and Them | ] |
Opposites in mortal combat. Not to be overdramatic. I feel myself fighting against a shadow, somethign without substance but full of power. It's only seen in glimpses here and there, but its effects can be felt continuously. It feels akin to, if is not symbolized in, the Cloud vs. Sephiroth duality, and battle. This battle never ends, and only tears Cloud apart. It sometimes even appears that Cloud himself is the more evil of the two. This is not unlike my inner situation.
This manifests itself in all kinds of things, and causes many fears to arise. Fears of things that may bring a demon of destruction from the depths. This is not to say it is entirely bad. I believe there will be a rebirth. But I am hesitant to cast myself into the fire. The final steps. |
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| Innuendo |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|08:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Here | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
Enigmatic, no?
Somethiing along the lines of my loneliness being bittersweet. It is a burden I've chosen to bear, and as such, it would not be proper for me to complain about it. Overall, I'd say I like it , which is part of why I bear this weight. Freedom from dependency (besides financial, at least currently) is a good feeling. The feeling of inner strength and joy in oneself. The downsides are the pains of having few to talk to, and not really being able to express true feelings to others. Though that isn't entirely my doing. Sometimes people don't want to hear it. The light within is worth giving up external supports. Besides, you're the one who has to live in your skin. |
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| Repression |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|03:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | nowhere | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Beatles - I'm Only Sleeping | ] |
Mmmm, irreconcilable parts that react violently when mixed togather, as sodium and water. And I'm left wondering "when this tug of war will end." Opposites being opposites. What am I to do? I want to sit in inactivity, a state of rest. A man can feel overwhelmed by external events.
Please don't wake me
No don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping |
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| Emptiness |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|11:44 pm] |
I feel as if nothing has value, not to be mistaken for negative value. It all appears void, like my inner life is not flowing into it, should such life exist anyway. Accept the moment.. accept the bad moments and painful feelings. But then what? It comes down to a "now what?" Empty. My mind is but an unfilled bucket, perhaps that never was or will be filled, but just a bucket, a bucket in itself. Is a bucket complete without water to fill it? This is the question. |
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